a piece of my heart today

Posted by & filed under God Shapes Our Family, My Faith.

yellow flowers

Well hello, there.

It’s been a super long time since I’ve written – at least anything beyond animated .gifs and idioms completed by Oliver + Bea. And to be honest, I think I haven’t written because I just haven’t known what to say. Probably because what I have to say is super super vulnerable, and being vulnerable is hard work, and exhausting, and really, it’s just a lot easier to share surfacey things sometimes.

But I feel the Lord nudging me to write now. Even though it’s easier and safer and tidier to just stay away.

Goodness, I don’t even want to type this because it’s just not going to be pretty.

Several weeks ago I got a very big, unexpected surprise in the form of a positive pregnancy test. Whoosh. Okay, that’s out, I can do this…

When I was  young and naive, something like that only meant one thing and I only associated pregnancy with excitement and hope and promise. Some days I really miss naive Raechel. But I’ve lived some life – some particularly hard bits of life when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth. I’ve experienced and seen and watched so many things that have taken me so far from naive that I have had to ask the Lord to soften my heart to hope and joy in this area.

Pregnancy is a real place of fear for me. 

And so there I was. Sitting on the floor of my closet (because evidently that’s where I go when I need to freak out), tears rolling down my face and looking with big eyes at my husband afraid of what fear-based, ungrateful words might spew out of my mouth.

I couldn’t trust the Lord that this was going to be okay. I wanted to – oh, I wanted to be excited. But even aside from the practical things like “everyone is already potty trained” and “we have literally gotten rid of ALL of our baby stuff” and “Oliver is going to be eight years older than this child”, my heart just went into self-preservation mode, afraid to hope even for a moment that this wasn’t going to just end in all kinds of hurt.

After several days of shock and fear, my husband sent me a message while he was at work. Essentially, it said:

“You know how it drives us crazy when we give things to the kids and they’re stupid about it? Like they whine that they wish we’d given them a different color or taken them to a different fun place to eat dinner, or we want to surprise them for an ice cream run but they get caught up in what pjs they want to wear? It exasperates us and we just want to shake them saying,

‘Guys! You just have to trust us that we’re your parents and that we want to give you good things!’

Isn’t that kind of us right now, Rae? God is giving us a gift and we’re being stupid children about it. Why can’t we just trust Him to look past the pjs and on to the ice cream?!

Y’all, I felt so convicted in that moment – like such an ungrateful child that was too wrapped up in what was important to me that I didn’t allow myself to lay back and bask in the gift set before me by my Heavenly Father.

 

So. I warned you this wasn’t going to be tidy.

Last week we lost the baby.

It feels like one of those super vivid dreams you sometimes have where you wake up and can’t remember if it actually happened or not. It wasn’t really a nightmare – it just felt like I dreamed it, which is almost worse in some ways because it almost feels like it wasn’t even real.

We are so sad. I am so, so confused. I have gone through all of the thoughts of “why did we have to get pregnant in the first place?” and “why couldn’t we have just gone out on a high (albeit nutsy!) note with Hazel?” and the guilt of “why did I waste so much of this pregnancy worrying” and the achy despair of “because pregnancy doesn’t go for me the way it goes for so many women – that’s why”.

 

This morning I heard someone say that “God doesn’t give us gifts just to take them away” and it hit me in a really hard and achy place. Not just from my own experiences, but it made me feel super tender about some dear friends who have been given children only to lose them time and time again.

Does that mean that those babies weren’t gifts?
Does that mean that it wasn’t God who took them away?

I believe that – even though I didn’t get to meet it or keep it – my baby was a gift.
And I believe that my friends’ babies were also precious, precious gifts from God.

But I also believe that He did take them away. And that’s a really really hard thing to type, let alone reconcile. God took our babies.

 

As I’ve sat with the Lord this morning in a really achey place, wrestling with this very truth, He gave me a passage from the first chapter of Job. You know the story – Job is an upright man who fears the Lord and honors Him. And one day, God allows Satan to take from Job everything that he has – all of his livestock, all of his servants – even his ten children.

One after another, messengers come to convey the devastation and without missing a beat, Job tears his clothes, shaves his head, falls to the ground, and WORSHIPS, saying,

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

This is not tidy. Life is messy and we are sad and confused and awkwardly navigating who and how and why we share this story as we bump into people who don’t know and ask, “how are you!?” (so if you’re an IRL friend and learning this now by reading it instead of me telling you in real life, I do apologize. This is a hard thing to talk about right now.)

But, what I know is this:

  • God loves us, and He gives us gifts. Even when we never know the whole “why” of the occasion.
  • Every child is a gift – a “heritage from the Lord” and “a reward” (Psalm 127:3)
  • God is sovereign. While death is not good, and while Satan is a thief, he has no power that is not allowed him by the Father.
  • And finally: God does not gift us gifts “just to take them away”. While He does give, and He does take away, His ways are higher than our ways, and even when our pjs and our pregnancies turn us into weeping heaps on the closet floor, He is a good Father, and He will redeem every inch of it for His glory.

“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.”
Psalm 138:8

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64 Responses

  1. holly 27 September 2013 at 12:06 pm

    I have been struggling with the question why? Why do great people get sick, why did Elaine, my grandparents, Tom and so many other great people leave us?? Why this pregnancy ? Why?? But I have learned that I won’t understand but I need to know that God has a plan and his plan is great. God loves you Raechel, thanks for sharing your struggles even if its not tidy.

    Reply
  2. Heather 27 September 2013 at 12:41 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the hardest thing I’ve had to endure. My husband and I lost our sweet baby in March after struggling for several years with infertility. Thank you for reminding me that all children are a gift from the Lord even those we never get to meet this side of heaven. My prayers are with you and your family.

    Reply
  3. Heather 27 September 2013 at 1:04 pm

    My heart is aching for you right now sweet girl. I am so so sorry for the loss of that sweet and precious gift, and I am hitting my knees for you right now.

    Reply
  4. mandie 27 September 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Friend, I really am so, so sorry. I’ve struggled intensely with that fear for the last 6 months, even yesterday I tried to talk myself out of coming to Influence. I can’t say that I completely understand your grief and experience, because it is yours & it’s so personal, but I want you to know that you’re loved and cared for.

    Reply
  5. Jodi 27 September 2013 at 2:13 pm

    My heart aches for you and your family. What a struggle this life can be here on Earth. I’m sure once we get to Heaven and have the chance to meet our God, everything will become clear, and we’ll understand these “why’s.” Thank you for sharing and big, gentle hugs to you.

    Reply
  6. Erin 27 September 2013 at 2:20 pm

    Oh Raechel, I am so very sorry to hear this. My emotions were truly all over the place as I read. I know So many of the feelings you are feeling. Our babies are gifts, and i know i will never understand this side of heaven why some can stay with us longer than others. I will be praying for comfort for you and your family. Hugs to you!

    Reply
  7. Sarah 27 September 2013 at 2:24 pm

    I love you, your heart and your amazing ability to see Truth in hard places. I know that doesn’t come from you, but I feel blessed to see Him in you. Xoxo

    Reply
  8. Abby 27 September 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Rachel, this really encouraged me today! Which is pretty ironic, considering the depth of sadness in your heart. But oh, what wise and true words in Psalm 183! God’s purposes for us are too unimaginable for us….and yet, always good even (especially) in the midst of confusion and pain.

    Praying hard for your family.

    Reply
  9. Urban Wife 27 September 2013 at 3:11 pm

    I am so so sorry you have to go through this. You’re in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, even the most difficult parts.

    Reply
  10. Becky 27 September 2013 at 4:09 pm

    On the one hand, I REALLY needed the analogy of acting like a child who can’t get past the pj’s to the ice cream. I have been acting like that in my own life. On the other hand, I am so so sorry you have to go through this. You do it beautifully. Even when I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way.

    Reply
  11. Sara 27 September 2013 at 4:23 pm

    You.are.amazing. An amazing person. So sorry for your loss. (I only know you through this blog…) BUT to be able to share all these thoughts so honestly with all of us… You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers for continued strength.

    Reply
  12. EveryChapter 27 September 2013 at 4:31 pm

    I’m so sorry Reachel, my heart aches for you…I was worried this was the trouble when you mentioned grown up hurts (instagram maybe?). You are being prayed for. God sometimes gives us so much to hold it seems as if we will break, but in his wisdom he never gives us so much that if we are leaning on him we cannot withstand it. Thank you for sharing you heart and encouraging so many. I’m praying peace and comfort and joy for your family

    Reply
  13. Traci 27 September 2013 at 6:12 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you for writing this. It’s beautiful and healing for my heart. I’ve had two miscarriages since May (one being last week), and in the midst of it and the darkest moments, all I can think is “whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes.” I’m praying that Jesus helps me to do that, no matter what He takes away. I’ll be praying for you too. Thank you for sharing your mess.

    Reply
  14. Diabra Anderson 27 September 2013 at 7:52 pm

    Prayers to you and yours. The longer I live, the more I know, the harder it is to let joy bubble through the fear of the unknown. Love your revelation. It reverberates in my soul. I’m going to try and enjoy “the icecream” too, even if it ends up falling on the ground eventually. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  15. Diane 27 September 2013 at 9:41 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. It is sometimes hard to understand how God could be perfectly good all the time – this world is so far from that. I’m also a mama looking forward to meeting a baby in heaven. You will be in my prayers!

    Reply
  16. Rachel E. 27 September 2013 at 9:45 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss(es), Raechel. I’ve been reading your blog since before Hazel was born and I’m always inspired by your honesty and tenacity of faith. Thank you for choosing to share this part of your journey with us.

    Reply
  17. Allison 27 September 2013 at 10:06 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. It is so, so hard to be pregnant after a loss – I worried right up until delivery day the last time around. Wishing you and your family peace.

    Reply
  18. Bridget 28 September 2013 at 1:23 am

    Oh dear girl, my heart leapt for joy for you when I started reading this post and now cries with you. Know you are loved. Be gentle with yourself and each other. God bless xx

    Reply
  19. karen 28 September 2013 at 2:39 am

    Dear Raechel, I just happened on your post having never read it before and I never comment on blogs but the year before last I experienced what you have just gone through. At that point my children were ages 16, 13 & 10 and I was 42! When I felt ill for a while I discounted it but eventually those familiar symptoms made me take the test. I was completely shaken and mortified (my husband is a pastor -what would the church think?!) then a few weeks later we lost the baby. My emotions were all over the place but I remember sitting up through the night as I realised I was losing this precious gift that I had been ambivalent about at first but desperately wanted now and felt completely enveloped in God’s love. I was struggling to understand what it was God was teaching me but that night the question he was asking me was “Do you trust me?” I knew he was asking me to relinquish control again, to trust that His ways are perfect even when I can’t follow His logic . I have had 3 miscarriages over the years and each one has led me closer to my heavenly Father. I will be praying for you, thank you for sharing your journey

    Reply
  20. Alison 28 September 2013 at 5:38 am

    I’m a long time reader but first time commenter. I wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss. This happened to me earlier this year and I don’t think I will ever be able to enjoy a pregnancy like most people can. Stories like this are why I find it very difficult to believe in a god. I want to. But “his ways are not our ways” seems like a slightly too convenient get out clause to me. I cannot make a god who takes away babies doesn’t reconcile with a god who loves us and gives us gifts in my mind.

    Reply
    • raechelm 28 September 2013 at 1:43 pm

      Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. And, I understand your struggle to reconcile these things. It’s really hard. I had my first loss nearly eight years ago and have had many more between then and now. My husband and I have been so grateful and blessed to be able to look back and see the hand of God in our lives and in the lives of those around us through and because of our circumstances. We’ve had the benefit of time to understand small pieces of the puzzle, and how God has worked and shown us Himself in our trials.

      Reply
  21. AngelaB 28 September 2013 at 10:49 pm

    Sweet Raechel,
    I saw you today and wanted to come over and give you a squeeze. I’m so very sorry to hear of your loss. I can’t imagine how that feels, but I do know this…there are so many out here who are praying for you, Ryan, Oliver, and that sweet Hazel girl.
    Many blessings to you during this very difficult time.
    Much love,
    AngelaBt

    Reply
  22. Angela 29 September 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Bless you for these words, mama. It hurts when our babies die. It really, really aches. Thinking of you and praying for your heart as you navigate these difficult waters.

    Reply
  23. Jennifer 30 September 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Thank you for sharing this Raechel. I have never even met you in person, but I feel like I know you through the words and photos you share here. I am praying for you and your family. If I were there in person I would give you a hug, as “squeezer hug” as my 3-year-old calls it. But since I can’t be there, I am asking God to give you his peace, the peace that surpasses all understanding.

    Reply
  24. Aileen 30 September 2013 at 8:13 pm

    Oh Raechel, my heart aches for you. Even though I do not know you IRL, you have been on my mind during the absence on your blog. This post is exactly what I was hoping not to come back to yet I could just feel it in my heart. I am so very sorry for your loss and pray that you are able to find peace. You are a true testimony to God’s love despite all that you have been through. Thank you for sharing your life with us and opening up in a big, big way. xo

    Reply
  25. sarah k 30 September 2013 at 9:01 pm

    I am so, so, sorry. And feel for your great pain. I sympathize deeply with the experience of having pregnancy turn from a beautiful, hopeful, joyful thing to a dark pit of terror. And I also sympathize with seeing what looked like it might be a good gift from God turn into another crushing and devastating loss. After two miscarriages in a row (still with no medical explanation), the healthy pregnancy that proceeded to 20 weeks without any problems seemed like it was going to be God showing his kindness again. We went to the ultrasound to find out if it was a boy or a girl–and walked out knowing our precious baby son would die. He was stillborn at 26 weeks. Almost 6 months later, I am still at a very raw and vulnerable and angry place with God, and I firmly believe that is okay–he can handle it.

    It doesn’t make the pain any less, in my opinion, but I do believe the children we have lost are real and are waiting for us. Yesterday I had a conversation with the author Randy Alcorn who told me he believes that in heaven, parents may have the opportunity to raise the children they lost–because he thinks Scripture indicates that the things we lose on earth will be restored to us in kind, not just recompensed with different things. I hope that is true.

    Finally, a quote that stunned me today, from an account of the Black Plague in 1347: “Buried with my own hands five of my children in a single grave…No bells. No tears. This is the end of the world.” — Agniola di Tura — Quotes like this make me realize that other parents have walked the roads of desolation before us. It doesn’t make the pain any less to read things like that, but it does remind me that the world is so very broken, so full of loss and tears and grief and death. “Some bright morning when this life is o’er, I’ll fly away…”

    I haven’t met you, but I’m sending you a hug in my mind, from one grieving mother to another. I hope with all my heart that that bright morning, when we hold our lost children in our arms again at last, will more than make up for all these tears. But right now I am crying them with you.

    Reply
    • Paulina Coy 1 October 2013 at 3:41 pm

      Hi Sarah, I came across your comment and felt compelled to leave you a little note that I hope will encourage you. My husband and I went through the same situation you are in: 2 miscarriages and what looked like our rainbow baby turned into our sweet Evan Matthew been stillborn at 37 weeks. When I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time I was terrified and the fear didn’t go away until I heard our Ethan Andrew cry in the OR. I am by no means where I should be with God, I still have questions and my last pregnancy was a very hard one emotionally but I look back and I can honestly see God’s hand through it all. Anyway, I guess all I want to say is “don’t give up!”. As terrifying as it was I am sure glad we decided to try one more time and push through the fear.

      As you say I know that none of my words can make the pain and anger go away but I can only hope that all my pain will encourage others and not be in vain (that is my motive when sharing). You’re not alone!

      Reply
      • sarah k 12 October 2013 at 12:06 pm

        Thanks for thinking of that. Yes, I’ve been reading for quite a while. I believe I’ve read all the Evie posts–I guess I was assuming my awareness of your loss of Evie was evident in what I wrote, but I see now that it wasn’t and I should have mentioned it. I hope I didn’t add to the pain by seeming insensitive or unaware. It truly did not occur to me that it might sound like I didn’t know you had undergone a very similar loss. Although I do not know your family personally at all, I think of your Evie often.

        Reply
  26. Abigail 1 October 2013 at 10:53 am

    I’m so blessed to be a follower of your blog and a sister in Christ. I never experienced pregnancy yet and in 3 years of trying I feel joyful for people who experience them even for a short period of time. God bless you more and more.

    Reply
  27. Catherine 1 October 2013 at 11:46 am

    I am so very sorry that you are experiencing the loss of another child. I have also experienced the loss of babies in the womb and recently our 4 year old son passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. You are very near to my heart right now. I am praying for God’s supernatural peace to overflow in your heart. I am praying for the Holy Spirit to comfort you. I am praying that God will magnify himself to you, giving you a glimpse into the joys of heaven all our sweet little ones are now experiencing…perfect joy, perfect health, perfect knowledge, being free from sin! I am praying that you will miss your little ones well by remembering the great hope we have (and that is available to all!) for a future reconciliation with them because of Jesus’s death on the cross and resurrection. A little nugget of scripture for you from Psalm 68: 19-20: “Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Our God is a God of salvation, and to God, the Lord, belong deliverances from death.”

    Reply
  28. Megan 1 October 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Raechel – I came across your blog about a year ago. I was pulled in because of the honesty you write with. I started reading your story from the beginning and have been reading your blog ever since (this will be my first time commenting though). Because of your honest writing I feel like I know you personally, and my heart was broken when I read this post.
    The “why” questions are always the hardest ones and they most likely will not be fully explained while we’re still living here. It can be so difficult to do… But remember that He is God and He is in control. Trust in God who was willing to give His own Son for you and will continue to lovingly provide good things for you. I can’t imagine the ups and downs of emotions you’ve been going through these past weeks. But I am praying for you and for your family – that God would you give peace beyond understanding and that you will still be able to see his abundant love and blessings even through the hard times. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  29. Paulina Coy 1 October 2013 at 3:14 pm

    I am so so sorry for your loss. We don’t know each other but I am sad with you, when I read that you lost your baby I got a knot in my stomach, I am much too familiar with this pain. You are not alone, may God comfort your heart.

    Reply
  30. alyssa 2 October 2013 at 10:23 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. Only God knows the plans for our lives, and even when it’s tough, He’s with us. Your strength is amazing. I’ll be praying for you.

    Reply
  31. Brittany 3 October 2013 at 8:36 am

    Raechel, my heart is aching for you this morning. I have been so blessed by your sweet Evie’s story, as I lost my daughter Jubilee last year in a similar experience. I’ve also lost another daughter through miscarriage, and the Lord gave me a beautiful gift in the form of a vision of my baby in Heaven. It was so powerful and heart-warming that I wrote about it in detail on my blog.

    It presents such a clear picture of the gift even our children who don’t get to stay with us here are- He knows what He’s up to, and I was so blessed to see a little glimpse of His glory in the midst of the pain of having to say goodbye when it felt far too soon.

    I hope what He showed me gives your heart and the hearts of other mamas a great big hug and confirms that your sweet baby is indeed a big ol’ bowl of ice cream that you will get to enjoy when we all get Home. =)

    The vision was certainly a gift to be shared, as His goodness always is:

    http://sprinklesandwrinkles.blogspot.com/2011/07/only-just-beginning.html

    the second portion is posted here:

    http://sprinklesandwrinkles.blogspot.com/2011/07/heavens-riverbank.html

    much love from one mama to another <3

    Reply
  32. Nannette (CandaceJo) 5 October 2013 at 10:26 am

    I’m so sorry I just now read this…and so very sorry for another loss for you and your family. You are usually the encourager and I pray that all of these sweet comments will be as a warm blanket to your soul and help begin the healing process. What a hope you have! What a promise! Praying for you dear friend, now that you need OUR prayers, we will hold you up…

    Reply
  33. Justine 9 October 2013 at 12:18 pm

    Oh Raechel,
    I can’t imagine what you’re going through now, and what you’ve gone through in the past. We recently had our second daughter, born at 28 1/2 weeks and learned that we will never be able to have a “term” pregnancy. God has been teaching me so much about suffering, grief, and His sovereignty. In perfect timing, a pediatric heart surgeon spoke at our church on Sunday about God’s sovereignty and shared about his and his wife’s own loss of a child. If you think it might bless you (as it did indeed bless me), you can listen to it here (http://hopechurch.info/Sermons/Audio/2013/10-06-13.mp3) or watch it here (http://hopechurch.info/Sermons/Video/HTML/2013/10-06-13.htm). If this is the wrong time, the wrong thing to say, or you would just rather not, please just disregard my comment. I know it’s easy to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

    Reply
  34. Katy 21 October 2013 at 10:41 am

    I have read your blog for awhile but hadn’t caught up for a few months. I am so sorry for your loss, almost 11 years after my first daughter was stillborn I still often ask those questions. I don’t think the fullness of those answers will ever be answered until we stand in heaven, but i do watch beauty out of our own ashes daily as we run a nonprofit for those enduring miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, our big event happened last week, https://vimeo.com/77127898 and after that event I received 2 messages from people who were nonbelievers because of their loss who now realized they were missng the love and grace of Jesus and needed his comfort. I was blown away and so humbled by my own aches and pains being used for the kingdom. Continue to seek the beauty, the goodness out of the ashes and you can continue to walk on. Much love and blessings, Katy

    Reply
  35. Emily 2 August 2015 at 9:21 pm

    I stumbled upon this from looking at one of your sewing tutorials; I was looking to distract myself from a miscarriage that I suffered last week…
    So, several years after you originally shared, your words continue to hold much relevance and have blessed and encouraged me on the other side of the world, thank you.

    Reply

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