I haven’t written much about my Evie Grace on here lately, though it’s not because she hasn’t been on my mind. If I live to be a hundred years old, I will still have that piece of my heart that is missing because she took it with her on the day she went to her Jesus. Only then, I will be so palpably close to our promised reunion that the ache will have certainly lessened and the anticipation of meeting my Jesus and my baby will be unspeakable. (Won’t that be a glorious day!?)
But back to now. Where the anticipation is also great, but the ache is still very, very real. Not hour-by-hour or day-by-day real like it was in those first years, but still very real.
And when the ache gets too strong, one of my best outlets is writing – usually here. Because, let’s be honest, y’all are some of the 10,000 best listeners I know. :) Your words are few and sweet. And I know your prayers on my behalf are real.
These are some very achy days. I told you yesterday that friends of ours are facing a similar and devastating situation to ours. I am aching for them and for my own loss again as the memories become like fresh wounds. I set out for my scheduled 10-mile run this afternoon and had to call Ryan after only 3 miles to come and get me because I couldn’t see to run through my tears.
I am broken. Broken knowing all too well what lies ahead for this sweet family. Broken remembering so clearly what grief we experienced. Broken at the harsh reminder that life is so, so fragile.
A couple of summers ago I bought a mirror at a garage sale for $2. I think my Mom thought I was crazy when I picked it up because it was so warped and old that it’s impossible to get a clear reflection out of any portion of the glass.
I adored it and I know that it will hang in our home until I turn 100. (Longevity runs in my family, so I’ll just keep aiming for 100, k?) :)
When I was a little girl (probably 6 years old or so) my Dad sat me down on the sofa one afternoon because he wanted to memorize 1 Corinthians 13 and he wanted me to memorize it with him. I remember that afternoon so vividly – his face was so animated with clues when I would get stuck in places – and by the time we got up off of that sofa (what seemed like hours later), we had both written that scripture on our hearts and I can recite it to this day.
Twenty-two years later, I found that dirty old mirror at a yard sale. And I knew immediately that it had to be mine. Standing in a strangers yard I held up their mirror and whispered, “Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror.”
Some of the best $2 I’ve ever spent. (and you know that’s saying something!)
The mirror now hangs in our dining room above Hazel’s high chair and I see it and remember the scripture to myself almost daily:
“Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” I Corinthians 13:8-12
Tomorrow is going to be a very difficult day for a number of us here in Franklin. Most of all, our dear friends. Though we do not look forward to the goodbye that faces us, we do look forward to the ways we know our God will provide for us. His grace will be sufficient for every moment of that day. His presence and peace will be beyond our understanding. His promises will remain. They are true.
And although we only see what He is doing through the glass of a dirty, old, warped mirror, there is coming a day when we will know fully and see Him clearly – “face to face”! And that is all the promise we need. Even if none of this horrible pain makes any sense to us now – it will in the light of His Glory. All will be made clear. Lord, come quickly!
May he be glorified through this vessel this week. Broken though it may be. God is so good.
a glorious day indeed when you meet your evie! i just love your writing. and your heart.
i’m praying for your friends this week…that they may feel a peace that passes all understanding.
Perfect; just perfect. Sending prayers of comfort to all.
Holding you and Ryan and your friends close in prayer. And there can be no greater joy this side of heaven to know that the day we meet our King, we will also meet those babies that went before us. XOXO
I know. In about 2’weeks it will be our Beau’s 3rd birthday and the tears still sneak up. Yet the goodness of the Father shows all the more. By the way, whenever we visit Beau’s place we always go visit “the girls”‘as well. Heaven will hold joyful reunions!
I can’t believe it’s already been three years since our Beau was born! Love you Linda. Thanks for loving and visiting our girl :)
Praying for you, Ryan and your friends through the coming days <3
John 16:22 Therefore you may now have sorrow, but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice and your joy no man can take from you. That very has literally kept me putting one foot in front of the other some days. Prayers for you and your friends.
Monica, this was lovely. Thank you.
a glorious day indeed when you meet your evie girl in paradise! i love your writing. and your heart.
keeping your friends in prayer…may they truly feel the peace that passes all understanding.
our God really is so good.
Raechel, I had it on my heart when I was at your house the other day to ask you
about your sweet Evie. It gnawed at me a time or two, but because of our lighthearted
conversation, I didn’t. I am sorry for what you and your friends are facing. I will pray
for you all. I think about your Evie a lot – it was because of her that I found you.
Peace to you all this week.
Praying for your dear friends, and also for you and Ryan. ((hugs))
ugh i hate this. so sad for this family who wont get to know their sweet baby in this life. can we just call it quits and have jesus come back, like NOW!
Linda,
Wow. I’m sure you can’t believe its been that long either.
Thank you so, so much for loving our girl. It warms my heart to hear that you visit.
Raechel, beautiful beautiful post. Brought tears to my eyes. I long for the day Jesus comes! There will be no more heartache!!
Hi Raechel, I just wanted to stop in and say “Hi” as a new reader. Right now, I can’t even remember which post I read just a few months ago (maybe less than that), but it held me right there, and I’ve been reading ever since. And until today…until I read this post…I had not stopped and found Evie in your sidebar and read her story. Needless to say, I’ve been reading for nearly two hours, and I have cried so many tears for you. I just wanted to say I love your courage and your “realness”…for sharing your story in full and sharing Evie with all who read your blog. I’m absolutely loving keeping up with your family, and before I go, I just have to say I’m diggin’ Oliver’s Halloween costume big time (hand made or not)! I hope you find all the encouragement you need today – and every day!! Sincerely, ~Cindi
Hi Raechel, I just wanted to stop in and say “Hi” as a new reader. Right now, I can’t even remember which post I read just a few months ago (maybe less than that), but it held me right there, and I’ve been reading ever since. And until today…until I read this post…I had not stopped and found Evie in your sidebar and read her story. Needless to say, I’ve been reading for nearly two hours, and I have cried so many tears for you. I just wanted to say I love your courage and your “realness”…for sharing your story in full and sharing Evie with all who read your blog. I’m absolutely loving keeping up with your family, and before I go, I just have to say I’m diggin’ Oliver’s Halloween costume big time! I hope you find all the encouragement you need today – and every day!! Sincerely, ~Cindi
Ah, Rae, so thankful for you and for this post.
For years November has been my least favorite month because it marks 2 horrible goodbyes, and 1 hello that was supposed to be, and wasn’t. My faith was so shaken in the early years of this journey that I couldn’t work through the memories and the pain. Thankfully, in more recent years, I am finally able to feel the aches AND the anticipation, and I am seeing the redemptive story I’ve been allowed to be part of. I am so, so sorry for the pain this week is bringing to you and your dear friends. I am thankful for you and for Evie and for the way her story is being used to show God’s goodness–even in ways we don’t full understand. Love to you, and many prayers being sent for you and your friends.
Thank you for sharing! I have so much respect for the moms that endure the pain of losing babies so late into pregnancy, I can not even imagine. Although I have a small glimpse at the pain, as I have experienced 3 early miscarriages (1st trimester). I lost them before I could even hear a heart beat. Going for an ultrasound and silently hoping to see and hear that baby and being so disappointed that what I felt in my heart was really true, we were losing another one! Although I still have days that I am full of emotions and long to meet my babies in heaven. I will be praying for your family and your friends as they go through this and you have to relive your own pain. Love & Prayers!
And just remember as the song goes “…whatever my lot thou has taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul”. Sounds like you are right where you need to be.
Praying for all this morning with a heavy heart, remembering the pain myself but also remembering how present and comforting the Lord is. So very thankful He is near and present in these times. Blessings to you and Ryan as you step into the gap for them, especially as you all understand their pain. God is good!
Raechel, know that you and your family are in my prayers today! Thanks for sharing this intimate post with your readers. (and I loved the mirror story!)
I’m so glad that you have the comfort that only our Lord can bring. There are so many families who do not know him and so have no hope when tragedy strikes. That is a great gift that He gives to us….
You and Ryan are inspiring and I pray for you and your friends in this time of difficulty.
Praying for you, your sweet family and your friends today. Your perfect baby girl is remembered and her memory is alive in all that you do, in the ways you encourage others through your blog and through Oliver + Hazel. You are cared and prayed for!
Rae,
Haven’t read your blog in a bit because I was out of town – and swamped with work. I had a feeling I should read it and I pushed it aside in favor of getting more work done. Never again friend – I’ll listen to that little voice a little better next time.
I love you – love all of your people, those here and those not. You all will always and forever be in my heart. Evie Grace changed me for the better.
love,
~c
Raechel–I’ve only commented a few times, but I wanted to make sure to comment on this post. This helped me in so many ways, and I’m so selfishly glad that you posted. I lost a baby at only 9 weeks in January, then another at 14 weeks in June. I could accept, as much as anyone can, “why” it happened in January, but the loss in June was so unexpected and frightening that I have still yet to let go of all of the anger–and fear, after finding out a month after that I was pregnant again (20.5 weeks now). I read your Evie’s story after losing Asher in June, and I think about you and her when I think about him. Thank you for encouraging me with your attitude. Your example is just what I need right now. I’ve still yet to revisit our little Asher’s grave that he shares with other babies miscarried/stillborn before 16 weeks from the hospital where he was born (the last time was at a communal memorial service there this summer). It has been weighing on me the last few weeks, and I’ve felt like a terrible mother for not going and at the same time feeling like mentioning the desire to go will make others think I’m silly. Knowing that it helps you makes me want to go despite everything. Thanks again for being so open. I know what you mean when you say you can’t wait to see Jesus and your little one. Know that I’m praying for you and your friends that are going through such a terrible loss now.
Raechel- I started visiting your blog about 4 months ago. I love everything about it. I read about Evie, as well, and haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, your family, and her sweet little soul.
On September 20 we found out our sweet boy, Rowan- now 10 months old- has Lissencephaly. He’s very sick- and I know his poor little body will fail him.
I visit your blog so I know that people can continue a life after loss. It’s so nice to see.
Thinking of your family and of your friends.
Erin
Thank you for sharing this! It is beautiful, and a great application of scripture. Keep resting on God’s promises!